


we do have reputations

by yousetmyheartonfire



Category: Dead Poets Society
Genre: Fix-it fic, Getting Together, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Relizations, Repression, gayyyyy, not too much though, slight angst, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 19:03:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19409476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yousetmyheartonfire/pseuds/yousetmyheartonfire
Summary: Neil is in love and he can’t stand it, but the thought of never saying anything is worse.





	we do have reputations

Their hands had brushed. 

It wasn’t intentional, really it wasn’t _anything_ , but Neil couldn’t let it go nonetheless. He didn’t really know why he felt the way he did. He just knew that he felt differently towards Todd than any of his other friends. He loved his friends, sure, but there was something so strange about his feelings for Todd. If his hand had brushed anyone else’s it wouldn’t have been as memorable. He didn’t understand it, though, so he hid it away. 

Of course, Knox wasn’t helping. The way he talked about Chris was making Neil realize a bit too much about himself. Chris possessed Knox entirely and he was so clearly in love with her. He was completely unburdened by confusion and fear. The way he talked about her was too similar to what Neil felt for Todd and it scared him. It was fine for Knox to love Chris because that was the standard. Neil wouldn’t dare even think he loved Todd because it was unspeakable. The topic itself was taboo, so it took him a while to realize that maybe his disinterest of girls wasn’t due to the fact that he hasn’t met the right one yet. The only time he has heard of a man loving another man was when his father saw him reading a play from a certain author. Usually he wouldn’t care much about what he was reading, but for some reason he snapped when he saw the name Wilde. Neil would later find out why, and it made him all the more hesitant to recognize his feelings. It was another reason for his father to berate him. Of course, he wouldn’t tell anyone as long as he was alive. He wouldn’t even admit it to himself. He would bury it down so it never saw the light of day, thinking it was for everyone’s own good. 

Too bad he took all of Keating’s lessons to heart. It was when Thoreau wrote of coming to die and realizing you hadn’t truly lived. It was when he heard the words “carpe diem” or seize the day. It was as he stood ready to end it all only to find he was wallowing in regret. How could he leave such unfinished business behind? 

He wasn’t even particularly _good_ at hiding, so it was a good thing that people tended to not look out for that sort of thing. He had been the one to insist Todd joined the Dead Poets Society. He had been there to watch a certain desk set fly off into the night. He was always trying to find an excuse to talk to his roommate. Oh roommates! To top it all off, they were _roommates_. He never got a break from the damn boy. Not that he even wanted one, he would be content to spend the rest of his life just gazing at him. It was just the fact that he constantly felt a sense of yearning, as though his very heart ached at the thought of ever parting. So he played his role of being a great friend gracefully, but fear constantly tugged at him. What if this was more than mere infatuation? What if he really was destined to lead such a lonely existence? He couldn’t bear the thought of being afraid to chase after people who he would get in trouble for loving. Even so, he refused to resign into a life of obedience by marrying off and feigning happiness. Either way, he couldn’t win, so he might as well be honest with himself. 

He was in love. Love was a strong word, but calling it just fondness didn’t carry the weight of what he was feeling. There was no denying it, as badly as he wanted to. He could continue living in quiet desperation, or he could risk everything to have even a chance at loving and being loved in return. Even if Todd did return his affections, they would have to hide their entire lives, if they made it that far. 

All this caught up to him the night of the play. He was already destroyed by his father’s own existence, but the thought of nothing ever being enough was almost freeing. If his father would never be appeased, then he might as well do whatever he wants. So he did. He barely had time to tug on his jacket before he was racing back to Welton like a crazed man. He didn’t even have a plan, he just knew that he couldn’t give up until all his other options were exhausted. 

It was well into the night, so he opened the door to their room quietly. He expected Todd to be asleep, so he was startled when he saw bright eyes staring right back at him. The door closing behind him sounded far too loud for this time of night. Once he saw Todd, he lost his nerve. Strange that he was usually so determined, but nearly fainted when it came to his own feelings. Maybe he could thank his upbringing for that. 

“Neil?”

He jumped at the voice, forgetting he wasn’t alone in the room. He stood awkwardly, trying to decide between eye contact and the moon. 

“Yeah?” Neil whispered back into the night. The room was dark, but his eyes eventually adjusted to the dim light from outside. He could see that Todd had been laying in bed with a notebook and flashlight on his lap. 

“What happened?” Todd asked. What a question it was really. It was too open-ended. Neil could’ve replied with anything because so much had happened, but he was only here for one thing. 

“He’s sending me off to military school,” Neil began, looking miserable. Seeing Todd sit up straighter just made him lose more confidence. Any illusion of gravitas was gone from his mind. “I... I don’t even know why I’m here.” He collapsed on the end of Todd’s bed, bent over his knees with his hands over his eyes. He wasn’t planning on crying. 

Todd looked almost panicked. Neil has always been the one to comfort him. Whenever Neil was upset over his father, Todd never knew what to do. The first time he had stayed silent, but now his friend needed him. He inched over and out his hand on the other’s shoulder. It was a start. “What do you mean ‘here’? Welton?” Todd prodded carefully. 

“No.” Neil shook his head. He finally looked up right into his eyes. “Here at all, in the world. Nothing I ever do is enough for him. He wants to take away the only thing that makes me happy.” 

“Acting? Well you’re almost eighteen... he can’t tell you what to do with your life.”

“Not even acting! Being at Welton with everyone, with _you_. If I lost that, well, I wouldn’t want to go on.” 

“You don’t mean—“

“I was going to, but I didn’t want to leave any regrets behind.”

“ _Regrets_?” Todd’s voice grew just a little too loud. Neil shushed him so they wouldn’t get reprimanded. “Do you honestly think that I would enjoy life without you? Oh, that sounds selfish, but you make my... everyone’s life better by being in it.” He was almost flushed with emotion.

Neil was too tired to take notice. “Not my father’s apparently.” 

“Damn your father.” Todd looked off, unable to maintain eye contact. 

“It’s not like you to speak your mind like that,” Neil commented curiously. 

Todd shrugged. “You told me to find my voice.”

“Todd.” He was looking at him desperately now. “I need to tell you something.” 

“There’s more?” Todd asked warily. 

“It’s the regret I would leave behind. I need you to know something. I couldn’t bear the thought of never saying it to you.” He may have been stalling without realizing it. He didn’t like feeling so shaken up at the moment. 

“What is it?” Todd was terrified to know. He felt as though something horrible was waiting underneath those words. What had happened?

Neil grasped for the right words. “You-you know I care for you, right?” 

Todd blinked. “Well, sure.” 

“No that’s not... it’s more than that,” Neil struggled. 

Todd squeezed his shoulder. “Hey, you’re my best friend.”

“I love you,” he bursted, the words coming out in a tangled rush. 

“Well, I love you too.” 

“No, I’m confessing!” Neil whispered fiercely. 

“You’re... what?” 

Neil couldn’t help it. He grabbed his hand and looked him right in the eyes. “I love you. I’m _in_ love with you.” 

Todd’s eyes slowly widened. Years of his own repression started crushing him under their weight. He’d been a sensitive child, and his brother had tortured him about it. He called him words that he was too young to understand, but figured them out now. He’d heard his father complaining about the indecency and perversion of something he didn’t know anything about. Todd had flipped through the dictionary, searching for the word but refusing to look it up on purpose. Then there it was in all its glory. He learned that there were people attracted to those of the same sex. His throat was dry. He slammed the book shut and swore not to think about it. Now here was his roommate, his best friend, the only person he had ever felt close to, confessing something so controversial to him. He had never thought about Neil in that way because he hadn’t allowed himself to. He showered separately from everyone else because he didn’t want to be caught looking somewhere he shouldn’t be. He withdrew from friendly touches out of the fear that he would be found out. If anything, he was tired of being afraid. He hadn’t even given himself the opportunity to ponder his own feelings, too worried at what he might find. He looked back at Neil, who looked just as scared as he felt, staring down at their hands. It had probably taken a lot for him to say the things he did. Maybe Todd could make an effort as well. 

“Let’s run away,” he suggested out of nowhere. Neil hadn’t expected that, but it seemed neither had Todd. 

“Together?” Neil asked, not knowing really what to say. 

“Of course! Screw your father, screw the world!” Todd’s voice suddenly lowered. “I want to be with you,” he admitted weakly. 

Neil pressed their lips together to make sure it was all real. He’d never allowed himself to imagine what it would feel like. It was strange to say the least. He was pretty sure he’d been kissed before by passing girls, but this felt different. There was more emotion there, and the kiss itself was a rebellion. They were refusing to abide by what society had taught them was right and wrong. 

Todd thought about the dictionary. In the entire definition of homosexuality, they hadn’t once mentioned what it felt like to feel your lips against someone else’s. They hadn’t mentioned how your heart would skip a beat or what it felt like when your hand was intertwined with theirs. They’d never thought to include how Neil’s hand resting on his lower back would send chills down his arms. In the entire definition, they forgot to include the word “love,” because now Todd was sure he knew how it felt. He pulled away breathlessly and told Neil so. 

“I love you too.” 

Neil buried his head in Todd’s shoulder, no longer restraining the stray tears falling from his eyes, but Todd was there to run a comforting hand through his hair. He turned his head to kiss his temple simply because he could now. 

Neil looked up at him with purpose, his eyes still glossy. “Do you really want to run away?” 

Todd responded in a gentle tone. “I don’t think I’d miss it here. Would you?” 

He gently laid his hand on his face. “I’d go _anywhere_ with you.”


End file.
